Talking About Unwanted Contact and Grooming

Connecting with others is a big part of the online experience for young people. Most interactions are harmless, but sometimes unwanted contact can feel confusing, uncomfortable or not quite right. This guide offers practical ways to talk about unwanted contact to help your child build awareness, judgement and knowledge of what to do if something doesn't feel right.

Helping your child understand what safe and unsafe contact looks like, and knowing what to do if something feels off, can make a big difference in their online safety and wellbeing.

What to know

Connecting with others online is a normal part of growing up in a connected world. Many young people are chatting in games, social media, and messaging apps, often with people they know, but sometimes with people they don’t.

Most interactions are harmless and part of everyday socialising. Young people are often focused on connection, humour, or shared interests in the moment, rather than thinking about who they’re talking to or what their intentions might be.

However, not everyone online is who they say they are, and some contact can become uncomfortable or unsafe over time. Unwanted contact can look like:

messages from people they don’t know
someone asking lots of personal questions
being encouraged to move a conversation to a different app or private chat
being asked to keep conversations secret
someone becoming overly friendly or contacting them frequently

Sometimes this kind of contact can develop into grooming. Grooming is when someone builds trust with a young person over time, with the intention of manipulating and sexually exploiting them.

It doesn’t always look obvious. It can start as friendly conversation or attention, and gradually become more personal, intense, or uncomfortable.

Learning about how online contact works, recognising when something doesn’t feel right, and knowing what to do are important parts of staying safer online. Having open conversations, building awareness, and reassuring your child they can come to you all help them feel more confident navigating these situations.

Top tips for talking about it

Talk about online contact as part of everyday life

Connecting with others online is normal, so it helps to talk about it in a way that feels familiar and not alarming. Framing it as something they already experience, like chats in games or messages on social media, can make the conversation more relevant and easier to engage with.

You might say:

“Do people ever message you in games or apps?”
“What kinds of conversations do you usually have?”
“Do you mostly talk to people you already know?”

Normalising the conversation helps your child feel comfortable sharing what’s happening.

Help them recognise when something doesn’t feel right

Unwanted contact isn’t always obvious. It can start as friendly or interesting before becoming uncomfortable. Helping your child pay attention to how interactions feel, not just what is said, can make it easier to recognise early warning signs.

You might say:

“Has anyone online ever said something that made you feel unsure?”
“What do you think would make a conversation feel a bit off?”
“What would you do if something didn’t feel quite right?”

Focusing on their instincts helps them build confidence in recognising when something isn’t okay.

Talk about boundaries in a practical way

Young people don’t always know what’s okay to share or how to set limits in conversations. Talking through everyday examples helps them understand what feels appropriate and what they might want to keep private.

You might say:

“What kind of information do you think is okay to share online?”
“Is there anything you’d want to keep just for friends or family?”
“What would you do if someone asked you something personal?”

Clear boundaries make it easier for them to navigate conversations safely.

Reinforce that they don’t have to keep talking

Young people may worry about being rude or upsetting someone if they stop responding. Letting them know they have permission to step away can help reduce pressure and give them more control.

You might say:

“Do you think it’s okay to stop replying to someone?”
“What could you do if you didn’t want to keep chatting?”
“Would it feel okay to block or ignore someone?”

Knowing they can end a conversation helps them feel more confident and in control.

Talk about secrecy and moving conversations

A common sign of unsafe contact is being asked to keep things secret or move conversations to a different app. Talking about this in a calm way helps your child recognise when something might not be right.

You might say:

“What would you think if someone asked you to keep a chat secret?”
“Has anyone ever asked you to move to another app or private chat?”
“What would you do if that happened?”

Understanding these patterns helps them spot situations that may become unsafe.

Reassure them they can come to you

If something feels uncomfortable, your child needs to know they can talk to you without fear of getting in trouble. Keeping your response calm and supportive makes it more likely they’ll reach out.

You might say:

“If anything ever feels weird or uncomfortable, you can always tell me”
“You won’t get in trouble for talking to me about it”
“We can figure out what to do together”

Reassurance builds trust and keeps communication open.

Bonus Conversation Starters

These questions don’t need to be asked all at once. One small conversation at a time can help build trust and emotional awareness over time.

“Do people ever act differently online compared to real life?”
“How can you tell if someone online is being genuine?”
“What would you do if someone you didn’t know started being really friendly really quickly?”
“Do you think it’s easy or hard to tell someone’s age online? Why?”
“What would you do if someone kept messaging you even after you stopped replying?”
“Have you ever seen someone try to get others to share personal information? What happened?”
“What do you think makes someone safe or unsafe to talk to online?”
“If someone online asked to meet in real life, what would you do?”
“What advice would you give a friend if they were unsure about someone they were chatting to?”
“What would make it easier to ask for help if something online didn’t feel right?”

If you're concerned...

If you’re worried about contact your child has had online, try to stay calm and focus on understanding what’s happened. Young people may feel embarrassed, confused, or unsure if they’ve done something wrong, so how you respond can make a big difference.

Start by giving them space to talk and reassuring them they’re not in trouble.

Listen first
Ask gentle questions to understand more
Reassure them
Take practical steps together
- Depending on the situation, this might include:
  - stopping contact
  - blocking or reporting the person
  - reviewing privacy or messaging settings
Keep a record if needed (saving messages or screenshots can help if you need to report what’s happened).
Reach out to Netsafe for support

You might say:

“Do you want to show me what’s been happening?”
“How did that conversation start?”
“What made you feel unsure about it?”
“What would you like to do next?”
“Would it help if we worked through this together?”
“Would you like me to help block or report them?”

Most young people will come across new people online at some point. it’s part of how they connect, learn, and explore. What matters most is that they feel confident recognising when something isn’t right, and know they’re not alone in dealing with it. By keeping conversations open, staying calm, and working through situations together, you’re helping your child build the skills and confidence they need to navigate these experiences safely.