How To Respond: Unwanted contact
Recognise, Respond, Support:
Unwanted Contact
What is it?
Unwanted contact happens when someone communicates online in ways that make a young person feel uncomfortable, pressured, confused or uneasy.
This might include persistent messages, inappropriate or unkind comments, sexual messages, requests for personal information, pressure to send a photo, being sent a nude, or being shown someone else’s intimate image.
Unwanted contact can come from strangers, peers, people they know, or someone pretending to be someone else online. It can happen in direct messages, games, group chats, disappearing messages, livestream chat, or through image sharing.
Even if the contact seems friendly, funny or casual at first, repeated or uncomfortable contact can be upsetting for young people. Sometimes it can also escalate into harassment, grooming, coercion or exploitation.
If you, your child or someone you know is being affected by something happening online, support is available and it's important to seek help and advice; you are not alone.
Remember this
Many young people feel pressure to reply to messages, react to images, or go along with what’s happening so they don’t seem rude, dramatic or out of step with their friends.
It can help to reassure them that they are not obligated to reply to everyone who contacts them online. They also do not have to: respond to sexual messages; send a photo back; laugh along; rate someone else’s body; keep it secret; stay in a group chat where private images are being shared.
If a message, image or conversation feels strange, uncomfortable, sexual, pressuring or persistent, it’s okay to stop engaging, leave the chat, block the account, or talk to a trusted adult about what’s happening.
Recognising the signs
These may be indicators that something is happening for your young person online:
- Messages from people they don’t know
- Avoiding certain conversations about their online activity
- Feeling anxious or uneasy when notifications appear
- Deleting messages or being secretive about who they are talking to
- Frequently changing accounts or platforms
- Talking about someone online who they feel pressured to respond to
- Suddenly leaving chats or muting notifications
- Saying someone sent something weird, gross, sexual or private
- Seeming worried about screenshots, group chats or what others are sharing.
What to do
- Stay calm and supportive
- Thank your child for telling you and reassure them they’re not in trouble.
- Save evidence
- Take screenshots of messages and note usernames, account names, or profile links.
- Avoid making copies of intimate content of under 18 year-olds as this is illegal in New Zealand.
- Block and report
- Most platforms allow users to block accounts and report unwanted contact.
- Report to Netsafe
- For advice and support in managing or escalating the issue.
What to do about unwanted intimate images
If your young person received an unwanted nude, was shown someone else’s intimate image, or was added to a chat where private images are being shared, you may also like to:
- name the boundary clearly - it can help to say it was not wanted and needs to stop
- tell them to treat someone else's image as private and not to forward it on
- encourage them to leave or mute the chat if needed
- help them block or report the sender
- talk about what made the situation hard, such as shock, curiosity, pressure or not wanting to be left out
- remind them that if an image was shared privately, it’s not okay for others to pass it around.
- if the sender is much older, persistent, or pressuring, get support early
You could ask:
- “Do you want help telling them to stop?”
- “How do you think the person in the image would feel if it kept being shared?”
- “Do you think anyone is feeling pressured to laugh along or keep it secret?”
If it happened in a group chat
Group chats can make young people feel pressure to react, stay quiet, or go along with something that feels wrong.
You can help your young person think about ways to interrupt the situation without escalating it. That might mean:
- asking for the image to be deleted
- saying it should not have been shared
- refusing to pass it on
- leaving the chat
- checking in on the person affected, if appropriate
- asking an adult for help if the situation is spreading or feels hard to manage.
Remember this
If someone's intimate image is being shared around, the responsibility sits with the people choosing to pass it on, not the person in the image.
Tips to connect and prevent further harm
Depending on the age and stage of your child you might:
- Explain that not everyone online is who they say they are
- Practise how to block or report someone together and look at the safety or help centre on the platform or app that they are using.
- Reinforce that it’s okay to block or ignore anyone who makes them feel uneasy, even if it seems rude.
- Explain that they do not have to reply to sexual messages or image requests.
- Talk about what respect, privacy and consent look like in chats, friendships and relationships.
- Emphasise that if a conversation feels uncomfortable, they can stop the conversation and speak to you about what has happened or how it making them feel.
- Encourage them to trust their instincts - “If it feels off, it probably is”.
- Talk about boundaries in online friendships or relationships.
- Make it clear they should not on-share someone else’s nude or private image.
- Let them know they can tell you even if they already replied, stayed in the chat, or feel embarrassed.
- Offer to help them report it and empower them to take the lead, if they want to.
Find out more
Visit the Netsafe website to view guides and resources for social meda and chat platforms detailing how to block, mute and report, or to contact the Helpline for advice and support.
