Talking About Self-Esteem and Identity Online

What to know

Young people use digital spaces to explore who they are, connect with others, express themselves and find belonging. This is especially true for rangatahi that may find it more difficult connecting with people in person, or who don't have as many opportunities to have face-to-face time with friends. Online 'hang outs' are increasingly normal for many young people and often positive.

But online environments can also amplify pressure and comparison in ways that feel intense or constant. Online experiences can shape how young people see themselves, compare themselves to others and understand where they belong. These experiences can be subtle but powerful, especially when they happen daily.

Some common influences include:

• Comparison culture (measuring themselves against others’ appearance, lifestyle, or popularity)
• Validation loops (linking self-worth to likes, comments, or followers)
• Pressure to present a certain image (feeling like they need to be “perfect” or fit in)
• Exposure to harmful or unrealistic content (influencing body image or identity)
• Group dynamics (inclusion, exclusion, or social pressure in chats and communities)

What matters most is not removing these spaces but helping your child navigate them with confidence, perspective, and support. Open, honest conversations can help young people find perspective and balance between what they see online and how they see themselves. It's important to make them feel safe coming to you to talk about how their online experience is making them feel.

Top tips for talking about it

Start with curiosity, not concern

If you’re worried about your child’s confidence, sense of identity, or how they see themselves online, it can be tempting to jump straight into advice or reassurance. But what helps most is starting with curiosity.

Online spaces are where many young people explore who they are - their interests, friendships, identity, and sense of belonging. For them, this isn’t separate from “real life”, it is real life.

You might say:

• “What do you enjoy most about being online at the moment?”
• “Are there people or creators you really relate to?”
• “Do you feel like you can be yourself online?”

Create space for honest conversations

Young people don’t always talk about how online experiences are affecting them, especially if they feel embarrassed, judged, or unsure how to explain it. Let them know they don’t have to have the “right words” to talk to you.

You might say:

• “I’ve noticed you seem a bit different after being online sometimes, how’s it been feeling for you?”
• “Are there things online that make you feel good about yourself? Or not so good?”
• “You don’t have to explain everything, I just want to understand your world a bit better.”

Acknowledge the positives as well as the pressures

Online spaces can be powerful for identity and belonging. They can help young people find communities that reflect who they are, explore interests and creativity and feel seen and understood.

At the same time, there can be pressures such as comparison with others, feeling like they need to look or act a certain way, chasing likes, followers, or validation or fear of missing out or being left out

You might say:

• “There’s a lot of good that comes from being online but it can also feel like a lot sometimes.”
• “Do you ever feel pressure to present yourself a certain way online?”
• “What parts of being online feel positive for you?”

Talk about comparison and “highlight reels”

One of the biggest impacts on self-esteem is comparison. Young people are constantly exposed to curated, filtered, or idealised versions of other people’s lives and helping them understand this can reduce the pressure they feel.

You might say:

• “A lot of what we see online is edited or carefully chosen, it’s not the full picture.”
• “People usually share their best moments, not their hard ones.”
• “How do you think social media affects how people see themselves?”

Help them build a strong sense of self

Online spaces can influence how young people see themselves but they don’t have to define them. You can support your child to build a sense of identity that is grounded in their values, strengths, culture and identity.

You might say:

• “What are the things about yourself that you feel really proud of?”
• “What matters most to you, online and offline?”
• “Who are the people who make you feel like you can be yourself?”

Let them know they can come to you, no matter what

If your child is struggling with confidence, identity, or belonging, they may feel unsure how to ask for help. Reassure them that they don’t have to handle it alone.

You might say:

• “You can always talk to me about how you’re feeling, even if it’s hard to explain.”
• “You don’t have to figure everything out on your own.”
• “I’m here to listen, not judge.”