Talking About Problematic or Compulsive Device Use

If you’re concerned about how much time your child is spending on devices, it can be tempting to jump straight to limits or rules. Read on to find out how you can talk about it with your young person to help support them while maintaining your connection.

Devices are a central part of young people’s lives and they’re designed to be engaging with features like notifications, endless scrolling, and personalised content that make it easy to keep coming back.

You can support your young person to recognise when device use gets out of balance - the key is to stay connected and curious.

What to know

For many young people, devices are how they socialise, relax, and feel part of things and they can find it genuinely hard to switch off from online devices because they're such a central part of how they stay connected.

For many young people, being online is just as much a part of everyday life as being offline, because their friends are online, conversations are ongoing and content is constantly updating.

Not all high device use is a problem, but it can become concerning when it starts to impact sleep, mood or wellbeing, school or focus, or relationships.

Problematic or compulsive device use is when it becomes hard for a young person to control how much or how often they use their device, even when they want to stop.

It might look like:

difficulty putting the device down
using it more than intended
feeling anxious or upset when not using it
losing track of time
it affecting sleep, mood, or daily life

This doesn’t mean something is “wrong” but it does mean they may need support to build healthier habits. What helps here is staying connected to your child, building awareness together and supporting balance over time.

Top tips for talking about it

Start with curiosity, not restriction

If you’re concerned about how much time your child is spending on devices, it can be tempting to jump straight to limits or rules. But starting with curiosity helps you understand what’s driving their behaviour and whether it’s connection, entertainment, habit, or something deeper.

You might say:

“What do you enjoy doing most on your device at the moment?”
“What keeps you coming back to it?”
“When does it feel fun, and when does it feel like a bit much?”

Understanding why your child uses their device helps you support them more effectively than focusing on time alone.

Acknowledge the positives as well as the challenges

Devices aren’t just a problem to solve because they can bring real benefits like connecting with friends, relaxing, learning and creating. At the same time, device use can sometimes tip into feeling hard to switch off from and like they’re missing out if they’re not online. Recognising both sides helps keep the conversation balanced and realistic.

You might say:

“There’s a lot you can get out of being online, but it can also be hard to step away sometimes.”
“Do you ever feel like you’re on your device more than you want to be?”
“What feels good about it, and what doesn’t?”

Balancing the positives and challenges helps your child reflect without feeling judged.

Talk about habits, not “addiction”

Using words like “addicted” can feel confronting and shut down conversation. Instead, focus on habits and patterns as this makes it easier for young people to reflect on their behaviour without feeling labelled.

You might say:

“Are there times when you go on your device without really thinking about it?”
“How do you feel after being on it for a while?”
“What makes it hard to put it down sometimes?”

Focusing on habits makes it easier for young people to notice patterns and make small changes.

Help them notice how it affects their wellbeing

Young people don’t always connect their device use with how they’re feeling, so supporting them to reflect can build awareness and self-regulation around how the device impacts their mood, energy, focus and relationships.

You might say:

“How do you feel after a long time on your device?”
“Does it ever affect your sleep or energy?”
“When do you feel most balanced during the day?”

Helping your child reflect on their device use and how it affects them builds self-awareness and healthier choices.

Explore what might be underneath the behaviour

Sometimes, heavy or compulsive device use is a signal, not just a habit. It might be linked to boredom, stress or anxiety, social pressure or wanting to feel connected or distracted. Approaching this with care helps you understand the bigger picture.

You might say:

“Do you ever find yourself going on your device when you’re feeling bored or stressed?”
“What do you think you’re needing in those moments?”
“What else helps you feel good or relaxed?”

Looking beneath the behaviour helps you respond to the need, not just the screen time.

Support small, realistic changes

Big rules or sudden restrictions can lead to resistance and a break down in trust and communication. Instead, focus on creating small, achievable shifts and involve your child in deciding what that might look like. This might include setting device-free times (e.g. meals, bedtime), taking short breaks, turning off notifications, or creating space for offline activities.

You might say:

“What’s one small change that could help things feel more balanced?”
“Would it help to have a break at certain times?”
“How can we make this feel manageable, not overwhelming?”

Small, shared changes are more likely to stick than strict rules.

Let them know they can come to you, no matter what

If your child feels out of control with their device use, they may feel embarrassed or defensive. Reassure them that you’re there to support, not judge; this helps to keep the door open and makes it easier for them to be honest.

You might say:

“If this ever feels hard to manage, you can talk to me.”
“You’re not in trouble, we can figure it out together.”
“I’m here to help, not take everything away.”

A supportive, non-judgemental approach makes it easier for your child to ask for help.

Bonus Conversation Starters

These questions don’t need to be asked all at once. One small conversation at a time can help build trust and understanding.

“What do you enjoy most doing on your device?”
“When does it feel fun, and when does it feel like too much?”
“Do you ever lose track of time when you’re on it?”
“What makes it hard to stop sometimes?”
“How do you feel after being on your device for a while?”
“What helps you take a break?”
“What would a balanced day look like for you?”
“Do you feel pressure to always be online?”
“What do you like doing offline?”
“Who could you talk to if this ever felt hard to manage?”

If you're concerned...

If you’re noticing patterns that worry you, your response matters. Try to stay calm, avoid blame or punishment, focus on understanding what’s going on and involve your child in finding solutions.

You might say:

“I’ve noticed you’ve been on your device a lot, how’s that been feeling for you?”
“Do you feel in control of your time on it?”
“What do you think might help things feel more balanced?”

You can also model healthy device use yourself, create shared family boundaries and encourage offline activities and connections. Seek additional support if needed and reach out to Netsafe for advice and guidance.

You don’t need to have all the answers about device use. Staying curious, calm, and connected helps your child build the awareness and habits they need to find a healthy balance.